My only full day home till next wendsday, so I thought I'd put this up.
Have to type up and artists statement for my portfolio critique tommorrow, and finish my value scale painting of scarlet johansen. I'm kinda nervous since my stuff was pretty crappy in the beginning and then halfway through got up to par. Arggh plus Ms. Cope, our awesome student teacher, still has my appropritation self portrait. I want my fairy back lol. Its one of my top pieces, and I want to talk about it in my statement.   

Ahhh in other news i went from one state to another, from christmas city pennsyltucky, to the city id never heard of, n.c. And its been about 7 months so im no longer infuriated or depressed. Just ready to get out of here...when the same person who told you they love you turns around and tells you they could give a flying f**k what you feel or think about being forced here and that you cant be with the person who does like youre thier property... youre ready to go pretty fast.
But i digress.

I have been a vegetarian for the past 9 months now, which feels great.   
Although I guess I cant really say that until I give up fish. : hmm any suggestions?

Hmmm i have something like a like-love square going on thats really strange. Three boys whom I guess I wont name, all have a thing for me and all are aquiantences, if not friends, with each other. Each one a bit more serious than the other, and the last being quite serious.

Its like being a couple without being a couple (I won't agree to him asking me to be his girlfriend). And its wierd because I didn't want to get serious with anyone at all, especially with summer break and college coming up. And its so comfortable being with him, he's inheriently decent, we can talk about anything (and i mean anything; the conversations we have are amazing and weird and not to be told to anyone else). And I want him, but I don't want to be tied down to him which makes me feel crazy and like I'm taking advantage of him everytime we kiss, and every time we're alone together. Its really selfish in a way which makes me question myself.  Gahhh he said he loves me...and he means it. I despise people who'll say they love you, thinking it'll get them in your pants. And its wierd when people confuse love for lust and cant tell the difference. I know that I know he means it and I havent said it back yet. He's said it at least 4 four different times, and every time i couldn't say it back. Its so bad and Im sure it makes him feel strange, if not bad. And he wants an answer from me about us. Not a maybe or an I don't know, just a real answer, a yes or no eventually. Thinking about it and how hes really looking for long term commitment and how he thinks Im the one, is making my head spin.

Oh and on the next side is my ex, a junior who recently told me on the way home that I looked very cute that day out of my smod (uniform) clothes and who misses us as a couple. Oh my damn, why?? Our relationship was a spontaneous proposal by him on the late bus in November, because we wouldn't get to see each other much, and I was right. But he tried by showing up at my class every morning and a week or two of this led me to believe he was sweet and putting forth effort to see me, so I said yes. My parents were outrage when in a moment of carefree abandon i answered yes to my aunts inquiry of "so shauna, do you have a boyfriend?". Yea and then it got wierd after christmas ( I knew something was off) and then it got kinda blah when he asked me in Febuary how I felt about our relationship. I said we werent really a couple anymore and he agreed...and then 2 days later had a new girlfriend that he made out with in front of the bus that I sat in. I didn't see it but was alerted by another girl that he was "cheating" on me. He hurt my heart. Now were friends and hes coming back to me implying we hang out, all the while never realizing that I know he was cheating on me. He still wants me but is with the girl he basically left me for. Whatever.

And on the last side is the poet laureate of our school whom i can tell likes me but would probably never admit it. Which is fine, I guess since if he did the first boy would probably kill him. But were at the end of our year so I guess I don't have much to worry about it in that respect. I think he picked up on me and the first guy anyway, especially with that day we went for something like a kiss and ended up holding our foreheads, my friend making fun of us. I don't know. Hes my friend, so he'll probably stay that way.

Yup and at this moment all I want is to go back to where I was where I didn't have to worry about walking 2 hours and still only being halfway to downtown and where the cornerstore wasn't a half and hour walk. Where I could go and find an occult shop and get the herbs Id like to use rather than only being able to wonder if theres one with churches every two blocks. Its just not what im used to: the city being pretty counrty and the country being...ohhhh...its just not what im used to.

To be continued, the chores have to be done. :